Yes, you know the song. It really does makes things sound simple and I think that part is true. This world complicates everything and has situations seem far more stressful and complicated than they really are.
Let’s take the “lead a horse to water” example. Have you ever tried pulling a 1500 pound horse to anywhere it does not want to go? I owned a horse for years and I am telling you, you are wasting your time and energy. This is much like how we are in relationship.
Every tried getting someone to change by dragging them there? You know what I mean. I don’t like how you do this or that or be a certain way so I am going to be your teacher and show you the new way. Don’t you see how much better it is my way and how willing I am, and loving, to show you? That would be pulling. Then there is pushing the horse. That is a bit more of the disgust, contempt or condemnation route. Whenever the other person does that ridiculous behaviour or displays that annoying emotion (notice the judgement), I make sure they know how ‘less than’ they are. Don’t you see that I am at least willing to tell you the truth about you and do you the favour of not embarrassing yourself or annoying others? Ewwww, yuck!
Have you ever been the horse? I think we all have at one point or another. Although both the pulling and/or pushing approach may work for some, I wouldn’t bank on them. You see there is one underlying message that goes with both that is toxic in a relationship. It is the message that somehow or someway, I am not OK. There is some part of me that you deem as less than, not normal, wrong, bad, etc. I notice in just writing that statement I have a physical reaction to recoil. I feel defensive and as if I should be in protection mode. Being the horse, I will definitely pull back at least equally as hard as you are pulling or pushing. I may even be stronger and go further in the direction you don’t want me to go. Horses will do that by usually a few steps. When I don’t feel safe I am definitely not moving!
So how do you get the horse to move? Well, what if you went and stood beside the horse and got to know them and what it is like for them over there? This is a powerful relationship tool that is far under rated. We are so set on being right that forget about compassion and love. The definition of compassion states - deep awareness of another’s situation or feelings, along with the desire to relieve the stressor. Notice that the first part is having some understanding of where the other person is at first? When you stand beside the horse and befriend them where they are, they will almost always follow you if you begin to walk.
I know for sure that any change that has occurred in my life has only been when I am feeling fully accepted and loved for where I am at first, before the change. If I don’t feel safe and loved there, you can forget me ever wanting to move away or release that belief/behaviour. I find the same is true is my clients. They actually need to be made right about where they are first before any change begins to happen.
Love - joyful acceptance. When we are loved we move. When we feel loved and accepted change occurs with a greater sense of ease.
I want to make it clear I am not saying you should stay in any relationship that is unsafe physically or emotionally. I am also not saying that a toxic relationship is a good place to be. I am saying that even in those situations, pushing or pulling will not work. It may not be you that sends the love needed for that other person to make the changes they want (key point, what THEY want), but it will come from someone.
What do you need to stand in a place of love for someone in your life? Someone who is driving you crazy or dragging you down? Maybe it is something in you that is wanting to feel loved and not made wrong, so it can surface and then dissipate. Take all the energy of the pushing and pulling, and put it in love. All we need is love.
Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching