The Bully In All Of Us

Written by Aly Pain

Getting back to school means granting our kids more independence and letting go of our own need to protect them from everything. Being a parent of two young boys, I have wondered if they would make it through their school years unscathed by any personal experience of being bullied. I remember being bullied when I was about 6 by a boy that would wait at the edge of the schoolyard, directly on my path home, and physically and emotionally tormented me. His big sister targeted my older sister, just like team wrestling without the ring. I remember my sister and I finally getting the courage to tell my dad and having it all stop after about six months.

I had a wonderful experience this school year to see "the bully" role in an entirely different way. Pretend for a moment that you are a Bully. Get past your judgments of what you don't like about it and be in that space long enough to find what really works for you there. I was shocked and amazed when I realized to how similar I am to "the bully". I am a born leader, generally a loud one, I love to get my way, be in control and influence others. Bullies also teach other children how to set boundaries and express them. Hhhmmm, so what do I do with this information??

Well, have you ever thought that "the bully" is actually a great leader that just needs to be shown some constructive ways to do that? What if that same person could be teaching other kids how to treat people, include and be tolerant of others?

This is not that big a stretch if we start early. Unfortunately we tend to shut down or shut out "the bully" perhaps missing the greatest calling for them. We would rather remove them from the system entirely than hone the natural skills they exhibit to create tremendous value. Isn't that treating "the bully" in the exact way we perceive them treating others? So what are we teaching "the bully", really?

The Bully role is often filled by someone with natural leadership qualities that is feeling less than magnificent about themselves. The Bully role they play may only show up in isolated incidents or doing specific activities where they are feeling threatened. Are we building self-esteem in all children or only those that already have some? As a leader, I want to create a world full of leaders, not just using the children that already have it mastered.

Next time you experience a child that "rubs you the wrong way", I challenge you to praise them. Name the quality you just witnessed in them and call it out in a positive way.