Evolving Your Family Identity

Written by Aly Pain

Every person and family has a primary identity that even if we are not conscious of it, we are strongly attached to it and our behaviour will often reflect it. Bringing this primary identity to a conscious level is very powerful in strengthening the family unit and revealing more about each member. A primary identity is a list of words you would use to describe your family right now. For instance, active, close, mostly male, and fun would work for my family.

We live in a diverse world where "family" looks very different than it used to. Sometimes an underlying struggle in a family unit can be as simple as not relating to other families and needing to create their own identity that has positive meaning for each member.

The Family Identity game is a great way to include your children, get to know more about what they are thinking and what is important to them. You can do this exercise with children of almost any age at the dinner table, through play or in a more formal setting. Start by asking your family to take turns using words that describe your family identity now. You are opening a door of honesty here so a great ground rule at the beginning is "No one gets to be wrong".

Be creative in this process. Perhaps you have children that would rather draw a picture, make a song, write a story or act out a play that best represents their family identity for them. If words don't work, let them lead the way!

Once you have clarified a current primary identity from each member, it is easier to see where and if some changes need to be made. This would be the beginning of another great family conversation!

Here is where the evolving comes in. Have everyone talk about his or her dream for your family and where they see it going. Who or what is your family becoming? What is the identity they want to own 1, 2 or 5 years from now? My family is dreaming of world travel, volunteering, and spirituality.

The third step in evolving your family identity is to collaborate a strategy to implement the change. Include your children as much as possible while being aware of their current intellectual abilities. Brainstorm starting with the big picture or just one area. Use different coloured markers on a huge piece of paper where each person gets to write a suggestion. As the parent, where do limits need to be set and where will combined creativity get your family to places you have never imagined? Remember, anything is possible!