The Voice of the Relationship

Written by Aly Pain

My three-year-old Thomas and I are very similar, yet his flare for the dramatic was not leaving me feeling drawn to him. Every time I was trying to leave the house, get ready for bed, or any transition in activity the screaming would start. I mean full-body, on the floor kicking and screaming. I conjure up my most assertive, calm voice to give him a choice between A or B and a time limit to choose. Thomas' standard answer was, "NO! I don't want anything!" This had been going on for some time and I needed something to change or my pin-straight, blonde hair was going to curl up and go grey.

In Relationship Coaching, the relationship itself is seen as an entity. One that has a voice and needs, just like the members in the relationship. The Third Entity Exercise was very powerful in creating a better relationship with Thomas, and it only took me doing the work.

First, I needed to really speak what I was feeling in the relationship and what I wanted to experience more of (might be a good idea to do this without a young child around!). I felt so repelled by his whining and I wanted him to be my little boy, not a baby.

Second, I moved to a different spot (called using "geography" in coaching) and embodied Thomas. This may take a minute to shake off your position and really imagine being that other person. I spoke what he was feeling in the relationship and what he wanted more of. This was tough not to slip back into myself and my judgments of him! Thomas wanted to feel like my baby with more physical affection and less rushing around.

Now move to a third spot and embody the Relationship. Take a minute to remove yourself and be a bystander. In that place I could see such a power struggle and how it was hurting both of us. From there I wanted to tell Thomas to do what he is asked and tell myself to stop and just love him more. The fourth step is go back to the position of being yourself. When I came back to "me", I felt more compassion for Thomas and a willingness to make changes on my side for the benefit of the relationship.

Since then, I have set stronger boundaries with Thomas around whining and throwing fits. I take more time to snuggle and listen to him, and prepare earlier so there is less rushing. Guess what? Thomas whines and throws fits much less. We are both getting more of what we wanted.