Having raised two sons, I know how frustrating and defeating it feels trying to get your teen to care and help out. Sometimes, it IS just easier (and faster) to do it yourself.

However, continuing to enable your teen by overcompensating sets them and their future relationships up to fail.

Whoa! That’s a little harsh!

Hear me out.

Everything you do for your teen now is showing them what’s normal and what to expect in future relationships whether that’s a roommate at college or a future partner. The more you do now, the more your teen expects those people to do the same.

Who’s training who?

In my last 5 Day Challenge, one parent said this…

I realize now our oldest daughter had me well trained but then we broke the cycle.”

He was enabling and rescuing his daughter rather than finding a different approach to her reasoning and defiance.

This is what we’ve said to our boys since they were young.

“I will not look your future roommate/partner in the eye, throw up my hands and say, ‘I did the best I could, good luck!’ “

Now that our boys are older and living at college and with friends who live on their own, they know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, and who NOT to choose as a roommate, LOL!

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!

Restarting the power struggle or pissing match is exhausting and pointless and so is throwing up your hands in defeat, ‘Well, at least I tried’, pretending your resentment isn’t growing daily.

In my LIVE Challenge – 5 Days to a Better Relationship with Your Teen, I share scripts to have different, respectful, and compassionate conversations with your teen that break the cycle of enabling and create change without all the conflict.

Helping is demonstrating love and kindness. That’s a parent’s job!

Helping is one thing. Consistently doing things for your teen because they don’t or won’t likely puts your motive in one of these categories:

  1. You’re avoiding the circular and exhausting conflict.
  2. You get things done the way you want (fellow control freak here!).
  3. You feel important and needed which affirms your worth.
  4. You don’t value or respect yourself enough to say NO and mean it.

“Such an eye-opening session! I realized, it’s the lack of self-respect that holds me back from setting good boundaries for my children. You’ve helped me to turn this around. Tonight, my mind was blown and truly life-changing.” – Chera T.

This isn’t a phase. Your teen’s brain is literally growing to accommodate critical analysis, problem solving, processing complex emotions and much more. Forging a new relationship with their new brain isn’t as hard when you have proven, simple tools and strategies, plus a safe and encouraging community.

My LIVE Challenge – 5 Days to a Better Relationship with Your Teen started yesterday but it’s not too late to jump in. Registration closes today at noonPT/3pmET and it won’t run again until the spring so now’s your chance!

I want my teen to be the best roommate, starting at home!

Aly Pain

Growing up, I was the smart, fun girl on the outside and a frantic, anxious mess on the inside. I spent years healing the pain of dysfunctional family relationships, including eating disorders and a suicide attempt, to break the cycle raising my own teen boys.

Today, I’ve been happily married to my husband for over 23 years, and we have 2 incredible teen boys. My passion is empowering parents to build healthy, respectful relationships with their teens without giving up or giving up, even if they've tried everything and are at their wits end.

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